The problem with jokes

The idea is this. If someone were to ask you what's wrong, what would your answer be? A possible slew of things to choose from to reply or nothing at all. But here's the real deal, what's right.

We live in a world that is ironic, selfish and horribly cruel. Things hardly ever turn out the way we plan and nothing is entirely predictable. I generally struggle to figure out what the whole point is. I say generally because these days I find that I can't really be bothered about it anymore.

I spent saturday running around. Literally. I walked from Balestier to Bugis. Surprisingly, I wasn't tired. In fact it was enjoyable. I was feeling so much better. To the point that I found the energy to club after. Hah!

Sunday... I ended up catching up on videos that have been sitting in my computer and cabbed down to Sanjay's. Cabbed. I really shouldn't. I'm super broke but I'm at a point where I honestly don't give a damn anymore. I really should go to bed. I have to be in the office at 8. *sigh* Not to mention Daddy's going to Hong Kong tomorrow. I had planned to at least have dinner with him tonight but as it turns out he had other ideas. Heh. To think I only found out about the trip on Saturday. To think I haven't really seen him since Thursday. Yes we live in the same house.

This week should prove to be... interesting. Different perhaps. But I'm not gonna push my luck.

Ah fuck, here's hoping then.

It's that time of year again. No, it's not Christmas, it's the eve. I don't have much time to pen this. Let alone vet it for the countless mistakes and sporadic thoughts that usually come with impromptu writing.

I'm not in trouble yet, but I can't shake the feeling. Things aren't going to get any easier. I know that for a fact. Things will always get harder, more challenging and as I write, I know that things may not go the way I think I need them to. But nonetheless, I continue to fight for what I believe in.

I'm scared. Who wouldn't be. There's only so much a girl can take. Only so much that I can wish for. And at the end of it all, I can only hope that it's all worth as much as I believe it does at this moment. Ironic, considering I hate the word 'moment'. It's given me nothing but anguish.

It can't be helped though, it's not anyone's fault but my own. It is after all my choice. I find that right now, I can only hope that I will be strong enough. Strong enough to pick up the pieces when you shatter me again.

I hate the fact that I'm pulling myself down. It's not that I like where I am now. It's not fulfilling you know, having nothing to do all day but sit around watching videos and playing games. And I hate that I'm a different person depending on the company. I wish I could just be me but you know, it's been so long since I've torn away all my masks and just let myself shine. I guess a part of me is still afraid of letting the world see who I really am. It's that invisible pseudo halo that I'm hanging onto. It's not like there are horns left. It's a bit of both I think, but that's just me. When on earth did I become so afraid of what people will think? Since when did I have the need to prove myself to anyone. I feel so... blind. Not really jaded because there is a lot out there that's waiting just for me. So many things that I could be doing. I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself on that. I'm the only one that's stopping me aren't I. I just hope that I don't run out of time. Knowing the problem is only the first in many steps to the solution right? I find myself back at square one. Do I really need the mundane adult life that everyone else deals with to find myself? Or is my prejudice completely and utterly flawed.

I know that when I get my feet grounded again I can be everything that I want to be. I already am everything that you need. Minus one thing. The confidence that I have wavers a bit too much for my liking and yours as well. I can't afford to keep breaking down every time something goes wrong right? You can't be there to save me all the time. Although sometimes I just need someone to see...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just being watched. Like someone out there's taking great amusement in every fall and every tear and scorning me for each smile. But lets face facts, who really has time these days? I can't help but feel that I am destined for greatness. Funny thing, I think I found my destiny. Kinda. I just haven't quite figured out what to do with it yet. I need to be stronger than I am now. If that's possible. But I think I'll get there. On my own. Eventually. Like I said, I hope I'm not too late. If I know one thing for sure, I'm not going to stop believing. In what I stand for, in what I have going for me, for us. In general of course.

I'm not the innocent little girl you think I am. I'm not the devil you think I might end up being either.

You are my destiny. Nothing can change that now. I'm sure of it this time.

I do not think that universe has something against us per se. I just think it has something against me. Or maybe in light of today's events, it could have something against me. I don't know. And I'm angry about it. Severely angry and pissed off. But can anyone really blame me?

I mean, what really is the point in giving up on something. If you were to give up then it just wouldn't really be worth while would it?

And about this H1N1 thing, who's to say you won't get it by simply stepping outside your front door. If everyone gets paranoid then the world would shut down yes? Regardless, I am concerned and fairly worried. But quite frankly, from the looks of it, people are catching the damned thing on planes and not otherwise! So what do you really have to say to that?

I'm ranting and pissed and tired and worried and a lot of things right now. So sue me.

You know my name. You know what I'm like. You know what I love and what I hate. Most of all you know how to get to me. You know how to make me give you what you want without reservation and then slumber while i curl up in a corner questioning everything. Like why I still care. Don't get me wrong. I know what you want. I know exactly what buttons to push and when as well. The difference between you and me is that I don't push them. I think about it quite often. I have it all worked out in my head. And that in itself is enough for me. I mean you know I'l never go through with it and that I'll manage to let it all go. I could you know. Right now. It's just a matter of wanting it but I don't. I want something more than just this.

But you know what? I know that at the end of the day, you're still trying to convince yourself that you can give me what I want but in actuality you have no idea. You don't know where to even begin. Because even as you start, you will always end up betraying me. To serve your own selfish needs. And when things get a little out of hand, you back off because you realise that it won't help. Nothing will. You already know that you made a huge mistake. I don't need to tell yourself that. Just looking at me reminds you of everything that you dreamt of. I remind you of the things that you want. I'm not trying to be egoistic here. I'm not even suggesting that it's me that you want.

You will always want things that are just barely out of reach. I can only hope that for your sake, you'll find the point where it's enough. And that at some point in time you'll be ok with it.

Stupidest dream ever. I swear. I was buying cigarettes at Far East when this guy asks me out. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with him. Like there's nothing about the guy I can make fun of. I seems smart and is kinda cute. So I said ok. So I go home and get ready right? I end up wearing this red dress with black heels. I've never seen this dress or those heels before. AND THEN I GRAB THAT KNNCCB JIMMY CHOO BAG :( That cheat feelings bag that I will never ever be able to have ever coz is too expensive :(

So then the door bell rings. I opens the door and there the guy is, bouquet of roses in hand. Red somemore. So I leave the house and before you know it, just as I'm about to get into his car, he gets shot. And then the song "You know my name" by Chris Cornell starts playing. And guess which idiot pops out of no where wielding the gun? Needless to say I'm not very happy.

I suppose I have come to a strange conclusion. That at the end of the day, moving on isn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's the pure matter that you end up confusing me. And I let you. You want and you don't want and you want and you don't want until I myself cannot be bothered. All this time I have been doing nothing but trying to accommodate your wants. But enough. I have no intention of further prolonging this headache.

I'm not particularly interested in what you heard either. Facebook is nothing more than a social website. I refuse to allow my social life to revolve around it. After all, don't we all know that the truth isn't often found on the internet? I only trust what I can see and feel. If anyone else has a problem with that, too bad.

I want to know why life always has to be so unfair. Why it brings something good and wonderful, something that meks me feel like there's a point to it all and then takes it away. I want to know why it's so hard to be happy. I want to know why you have to lie to me. I want to know what happened to us. I want to know how to stop feeling this way. It hurts so damned much. What hurts the most is that a part of me wishes that I'd never met you and I'd never have to feel the way I'm feeling. But at the same time how can I even bring myself to believe or think that way. I never want to feel like this again.

I wish I can believe you when you tell me how you feel and I wish you could see how much I'm trying to hide everything that's eating me up on the inside. In fact, this is probably what hurts the most. The fact that I somehow can't bring myself to trust anything that you say.